Around the World...and then some

Fin.

There are two main things that freak me out the most about going home. First, it's the fact that I'm going to be back in the states. And not even just back in the states, but I'm going to be back there indefinitely. As of right now, I have no idea when I'll be back in France, Russia or just Europe in general. It could be next year, or it could be in 10 years. I feel like both are equally possible. In the states, we speak English. I know how everything works, and I'm used to how everything works. I look around and stuff feels normal, comfortable. In Europe, everything was a struggle. Struggle is the best word I can find to describe it, eventhough I mean a struggle minus the negative connotations. Well, sometimes minus the negative connotations. But no matter what I did, I had to figure out how to do it. Whenever I had to talk to someone, I had to know what I was going to say, or else risk tripping over my words. I was kept pretty constantly on my toes, and while this was sometimes exhausting and frustrating, it was also sometimes exciting and empowering. While I've been over here, a large part of my identity has been "American". I defined myself by that. And I grew to appreciate it as well. One of what I consider my greatest accomplishments while abroad is the fact that I have truly come to love my own culture and country. And when I go back to the states, I know I'm going to bring that love and appreciation back with me, but in a very different way. When I look around a room, the majority of people there will also identify themselves as "American", which is quite the opposite from the world I've been living in for the past 9 months. I'm going back to a world I know and love, and it's a strange feeling because for so long now I've lived only in unfamiliar worlds.

And the second weirdest thing about going home is the fact that it means my study abroad year is over. Right around sixth or seventh grade, I fell in love with the French language, and ever since then, I knew I wanted to study abroad in France. And somewhere in the middle of high school, as Russian became a bigger part of my life, I realized I'd want to spend some time in Russia as well. And ever since beginning at Middlebury, I've been planning for a year abroad in Russia and France. Now, that year is over. This is a part of my life that I have been planning out since sixth grade. This is a part of my life that I have always known would be there, and always been looking forward to. And now it's over. Study abroad has meant so much to me for so long. In a way, I've defined myself by it. I've defined myself as interested in foreign languages and foreign cultures and wanting to experience life in foreign countries. But now I find myself at the end of that experience.

I guess it all comes down to the cliché that it's the journey that matters, not the destination. This whole year has been one of the most important journeys of my life, but the years leading up to this one have been journeys as well. It's like when you have a goal, and work constantly to achieve that goal, but then once it's achieved, you stop and ask yourself, "What now?" I never thought of study abroad as a goal of mine, but in a way it always has been. It's always been there, on the horizon, and I've been constantly preparing myself for it. It was one of the main reasons I chose to go to Middlebury at all. It's one of the only reasons I went to Russian School this summer. Maybe it's because I've never really had a goal for my life after college; I've never really known exactly what I wanted to do when I grew up. In fact, whenever asked what I wanted to do, I'd always just answer "I'm not sure yet, but something with foreign languages". Maybe study abroad was just always the most concrete "something with foreign languages" I could ever see. But anyway, now it's over and I find myself suddenly staring directly into the eyes of senior year, graduation, and everything after that.

I hate to say it, but I'm not so sure this post has an actual point. It's all still being processed, and I'm not yet sure what the final conclusion, or expression is. But as my good friend Laura Budzyna told me, "You'll probably be expressing it for the rest of your life."

I don't know if this will be my final post or not. I may need to write again when I get back to the states, or when I finally get back to Midd and realize everything is different eventhough nothing has changed. But in any case, at 1:00pm tomorrow afternoon, I'll be on a plane heading for the US. And who knows when I'll return.

posted by Becky @ 4:29 AM